Note: I originally never intended this to be my first post but rather I had been planning an “About the Title” post to explain the meaning behind the title of the blog as my first post. But at the suggestion of my girlfriend to write about my recent thoughts to the email support group and a friend, I figured I would instead make this one my first post and save the “About the Title” post for later. I intend for my posts to more often be topical in nature rather than general life updates and I already have a few drafts of topic-oriented posts that I am working on and just haven’t worked through enough to post yet.
Recently, I’ve been struggling with temptation and it’s embarrassing, even to myself, so I avoid talking about it or even thinking about it. That’s part of the reason I want to have a blog that is anonymous (or maybe if I end up sharing too much so that it’s not anonymous anymore I’ll just pretend it is anyway). The reason it’s embarrassing is that I feel like I’m tempted to do stuff that most people would think is very strange and even silly. But because it represents some kind of obsession or addiction or at least avoidance of reality, it’s clear to me that it is, in fact, sin and not a harmless desire, preference, or pastime. Anyway, I had been thinking for a while now about creating a blog to write some of the thoughts I have on this sort of stuff that I don’t like talking about or thinking about because it gives me a safe way to think about it in detail without actually indulging in it and without embarrassing myself with anybody I actually know in real life.
So now to get to the actual recent thoughts…
In recent months, as I sleep on the floor of the living room with a blanket I keep thinking about peeing while my clothes are on. I have some kind of fetish with both diapers and peeing in clothing. I think around 6 months ago I had the habit of peeing while clothed late at night while my girlfriend was asleep. But even though I told myself every time that “this time would be different” I ended up masturbating after I did it. And then I took a shower, put my clothes in the wash, and cleaned up. It’s been many months since I’ve actually done that but lately I keep thinking about it as I go to sleep and then I just fall asleep before I do anything. I don’t know how serious those thoughts are anyway, but I get the temptation, even if not as strong as in the past. Some nights I feel like it’s a miracle I fell asleep before I did it but most nights I just think that that’s insane and of course I wouldn’t actually want to do that. Of course part of it is that my girlfriend will be mad at me if she wakes up in the middle of the night to find that going on or that I’m cleaning up because of it. So that motivates me to not do anything, especially because she hasn’t been sleeping well lately. But I guess I also was more prone to giving in to weird stuff to escape reality in the past since I didn’t feel so great about how reality was going and now life is a little better so I don’t want to give in to the weirdness (sin) so much.
The other issue that I struggle with is crossdressing. It’s not that I want to be a woman, as I’ve seen some men say. Becoming one would be a nightmare for me rather than a fantasy. I’m quite happy as a man. I’ve also never considered it to be a sexual thing for me, although I do think it arouses me slightly, which I suppose makes sense since it reminds me of women. I’ve never masturbated to it though, which apparently is common among crossdressers. What I have is a strange desire to dress up like a girl/woman and a fantasy that it could be like a hobby. That I could treat dressing up for a few hours the same as going to watch a movie or pretend that spending a day dressing up would be the same as spending a day hiking. I know from experience that it is not like that though. And besides that, I know that crossdressing is wrong for a variety of reasons that Thorin describes very well, many of which I can relate to.
What often annoys me about my struggle though is that I don’t actually think about crossdressing itself very often. It’s generally just that I feel extremely awkward with any feminine imagery/clothing when I see it, even if I’m not fantasizing about wearing it. I generally do not fantasize about anything in particular but only have a weird, awkward, nervous feeling. I do think that got worse because of all the talks I’ve had about the topic with my girlfriend about so-called “triggers” which are basically any imagery or talk of anything overtly feminine/girly (not in a medical way, which I claim no knowledge or interest in, but rather in style).
Sometimes during those moments of noticing something that we call a “trigger” I have the meta-thought: “Does that make me want to wear (or try) that?” “No,” I usually answer in my head. “No, it doesn’t because that would be ugly and stupid. My legs are hairy and my face is that of a man’s and it would just look really dumb. So I would not, in fact, want to wear such a thing.” But I still feel weird at the sight anyway. And I’m not quite sure what that means.
Then again, I have dressed in the past. I’ve fantasized about it enough that I finally just went and did it. So it’s not as if it’s not a concern. It’s always possible.
Lately, I’ve thought to go crossdress somewhere in the middle of the day during work. I mean like going to a store and finding some dress or something and going to a changing room and trying it on. And then walking out like nothing happened and going back to work. I know that I wouldn’t feel good afterward, and neither would I really at the time. Unfortunately, the knowledge that I would feel bad afterward isn’t enough to stop me on its own. But there are a few things that do stop me from doing so. One is simply that I want more time to get work done. But there are moments where I feel like the time wouldn’t be missed (whether it’s true or not). So what about those times?
Well, for a while I was working on making up to my girlfriend for past holidays that were screwed up. I spent time on my plan almost every day, and for one, it would take time away from it, and for two, I think it would make it less meaningful that while presenting gifts to her, she knows I was doing something like that the whole time while I was planning it. So because I wanted to make sure I was taken seriously in my efforts of making up for past mistakes, I kept those CD type thoughts out of my mind, knowing that I had to finish this first. On Valentine’s Day 2018 I made up for 3 holidays from 2017: our anniversary, her birthday, and Christmas. I then made up for Valentine’s Day 2018 one month later on March 14.
Since then (the past few weeks), I’ve not had to worry about that anymore. So I think my mind has been turning to CD more of the time. Sometimes I get in late a lot or work from home a lot (for various personal reasons) and that again makes me focus on work more because I feel bad about missing the time and being unproductive so when I am there I focus on getting to work. But lately I’m starting to get my schedule more consistent (which should be a good thing). So I guess I sometimes sense that I have more time. For the first time in a long time, I had this overwhelming sense today that I was free to do whatever I wanted. I could work, or I could fool around online or I could even go somewhere and crossdress if I felt like it. There was no reason I couldn’t. For a moment I flashed back to previous times in past jobs where I’ve felt this way and I recognized that my motivation to do actual work was in trouble. While I was now more free to do work, I didn’t really feel like doing work but was merely supposed to do work. My sense of urgency to be productive in the face of home-life distractions was gone and as I completed my fourth month here, the newness of the job was wearing off as well.
So now with the need to be productive not being as compelling, what else keeps me from giving in? Well, since summer 2016 I talked with my girlfriend a lot about the things I’ve done in the past that I’ve kept from her and about promising to tell her whenever I do those things. Also, she particularly wants me to tell her in advance if I’m going to do something like that and also wants to go with me. Now, even if I don’t say in advance, I always confess anyway afterward. And I think the CD-related stuff in particular she really hates for me to do without her knowing. So I know it would not end well if I told her that I went and did something like that without telling her. Which leaves the option of telling her what I want to do and having her come with me when I do it. While it’s always something she brings up as an alternative to doing it in secret (because she hates the dishonesty more than anything, even if I confess afterward), I can hardly think of it. It is such a ridiculous thought that I would tell her plainly that that’s what I plan to do and then continue to do it like there’s nothing wrong with it. It would feel too bad to even say what I wanted to do. So instead I just don’t do it.
Now it does bug me a bit that I almost feel like if I didn’t have that relationship and that agreement then I might have already done it recently. But even so, it sort of works that at least I get to that point in my mind and give up and just find something else to think about. Maybe it’s not as good as a real accountability partner is supposed to work, but I at least stop thinking about it because I somehow feel bound to the agreement to talk about it first and since I refuse to admit with my voice that it’s what I want to do, I just don’t do it instead.
Of course it doesn’t help that I sometimes get clothing ads on the web, even when I’m trying to distract myself with something innocent. I have a hobby of learning languages and I’ve been taking a few minutes here and there reading from children’s books in Japanese and German, which are two languages I’m learning. When I go to do it, I get ridiculous ads of dresses that show up on the website of the dictionaries I use. I don’t understand why it seems to be exactly the types of images that cause problems for me. I know sometimes I’ve let my girlfriend shop for clothes on my laptop and that can cause the same sites to show up. But it’s been a long time since she’s done that and I don’t know how much it’s actually related to that. We’ve tried using Adguard to block ads before and it actually works pretty well. We just recently repurchased it but for some reason it said the trial was up after a few days and we’ve yet to investigate it to get it working again. Soon we’ll fix it and I can stop being distracted by that.
One time recently I even remember going back and forth in my head about whether I wanted to CD or not (not whether I would do so but whether it was even something that seemed appealing at all or not). I decided to stop thinking about it and read some of my book but after looking up a word, I saw the images and was very frustrated that even though I had already resolved to drop the subject, I now started thinking about the topic again and struggled to not stare at it for too long before moving on and reading more or getting back to work. I got back to work anyway and I’m sure it was fine from then on but we definitely have to fix this so that it remains as a positive distraction instead of a negative one.
The other thing that sometime distracts me at work is the female co-workers around me. Thankfully there are not many and the few who are there do not usually dress up all too much. Although I do currently happen to sit next to a woman my age who I think has worn a skirt or dress every day except for maybe 2 days in 3 months. And there are always occasionally a few others from around the building that I see on the way to lunch or the bathroom or something. Usually not too much of a problem though. They’re human and I’m being watched, so I mostly keep my thoughts suppressed during those times. I also get used to the particular styles they each have and over time I get bored of them anyway.
So where do I see God in my life? Well, I pray sometimes… I read the Bible sometimes… I understand in some sense what I’m supposed to do and not supposed to do. But I’ve been lazy and unmotivated. I’ve been thinking about at least getting back to church for a long time. But recent setbacks have distracted me and I’ve either completely forgotten or just not felt motivated. I understand that it’s not really an excuse though.
She also wants to do the “home church” plans that we had created a while back when I was working from home full-time. She has medical problems with sleep and can’t be guaranteed to be up in time to get ready and go to church for real. So to make an alternative or make up for it or give another way or make it work anyway, we started working on “home church” plans for recreating it through online resources. There are a few issues I had with this.
One problem I had with this “home church” thing is that I really felt like I wanted to get back to a real church anyway and so I wasn’t very motivated to work on this plan. I didn’t like that it felt like she was just giving up on getting to sleep and waking up on time. Sure, she might not make it but we are in a populated area with many churches around and there are some with evening hours. So we could always fall back to that if it didn’t work out. It bothered me that she seemingly didn’t even want to try to do it for real. I have evidence too that in our plan it says we would exclusively do home church “at first” and then eventually I would go to a real church too and we would do the home church plans afterward.
Another issue is that we spent each Sunday “working on it” and not actually doing it and I was frustrated that it took so long to develop and we couldn’t just do something. Something that consistently frustrates me about my girlfriend is the tendency to over-plan and take too long before finally acting.
The other issue is that she never seemed that into it because she wanted me to take the lead. And this is a general issue between us in various aspects of life. She wants me to take the lead but that doesn’t mean that she waits expectantly for me to do so. Instead she seems to actively work against me by distracting me with entertainment or other projects or house-chores or some other thing. Then later she would get mad at me and claim she was “waiting for me” to do it, or to tell her that we shouldn’t go with her suggested plan but instead do what we said we would do. Sure but saying “hey, let’s do X right now” doesn’t sound like “waiting” to me. This happens in a lot of areas of life. She’s the one who was pushing for it more in the first place and then when the time comes, she seemingly completely forgets about it. Doesn’t make sense to me and frustrates me a lot.
Anyway, it’s been a long time since then. In recent months when it was brought up, she’s said that there’s no reason I couldn’t go to church since I’m healthy, but that she would still want to do the home church thing too. That makes me happier at least than our earlier plan of “home church only.” This weekend the topic came up again, so I said I would pick a church that night and go the next day. We have a list of churches saved from when we were more aligned and were going to work through them together to decide together. Then she eventually said she wasn’t ready for me to leave her like that since she expected to have the time to work on stuff at home and would have planned the weekend differently if she knew we were going to lose that time. So I said I would go next weekend then and we can get back to our plans where we left off next weekend.
Until I get back to church for real, most of the interaction with God or Christianity I have is through the Healing from Crossdressing blog and their email support group and the few times I remember to pray or read at least the “verse of the day” on my Bible app. I also very much enjoy Christian Rock/Metal, which I’ve over the years been more or less consistent in listening to. I find it at least motivating to keep the subject in my mind so that I don’t completely forget about something greater. I’m happy to have found Thorin’s blog because again it at least keeps the topic in my mind regularly. Just the other day, in the morning I read part of his latest post about prayer. Then later during work I finished it.
I hope that I don’t get lazy or lose motivation this weekend and I finally get to try to connect to people. I’m isolated here without any Christian friends. I know my girlfriend is concerned with me just going to church like it’s a movie and not getting anything out of it because the churches around here are big and you don’t connect with people just from attending. But part of why I want to go is to make God more real to me and feel more connected with his people. I am introverted and have trouble connecting with people. I have a tendency to avoid talking to new people. But at least for now, I long for Christian friends (or at least a pastor I trust) to share with and hopefully make the road a little easier for me. I believe if I go, I will be able to maintain that focus because I truly feel lonely in recent years without any friends except my girlfriend. She is the only person that I really talk to except for my co-workers and then it is mostly work-related. I’ve wanted to fix that for a while and at the same time I know it’s not right that I’m not attending church so I’m hoping to solve both problems at once by finally getting back to it.